Goldihat and the Three Peers

by Daunt Iago Ab Adam, Compaignon du Lorer

nce upon a time there were three Peers: a Birdy Peer, a Shrubby Peer, and a Chivy Peer.

One morning Shrubby Peer and Chivy Peer awoke to find that Birdy Peer had stayed up all night preparing an elaborate breakfast of porridge. They all sat down to eat.

“This porridge, which I stayed up all night preparing, is too hot,” said the Birdy Peer.

“Porridge would not have been served at this temperature in period,” said the Shrubby Peer.

“Ow,” said the Chivy Peer.

“Well, no sense in wasting time while we wait for it to cool- let’s go out and tidy the forest,” said the Birdy Peer.

“I do need to look for some rare herbs,” said the Shrubby Peer.

“Pretty trees!” said the Chivy Peer.

So off they went.

Soon, a girl happened by, followed by her retinue. She was called Goldihat, because of her beautiful gold plated headgear. She walked in to the Peers’ kitchen.

“Food tester, test this porridge,” said Goldihat.

“This porridge is too hot, your worthiness.”

“Food tester, test that porridge,” said Goldihat.

“This porridge is too cold, your worthiness.”

“Food tester, test this porridge,” said Goldihat.

“This porridge is just right, your worthiness.”

So Goldihat sat down and ate the whole bowl. Then she and her retinue processed to the living room.

“Chair tester, test this spot on the floor where a chair would be if Birdy Peer ever sat down,” said Goldihat.

“This spot on the floor where a chair would be if Birdy Peer ever sat down is too hard, your worthiness.”

“Chair tester, test this elaborately hand carved chair piled high with intricately embroidered pillows,” said Goldihat.

“This elaborately hand carved chair piled high with intricately embroidered pillows is too soft, your worthiness.”

“Chair tester, test this La-Z-Boy,” said Goldihat.

“This La-Z-Boy is just right, your worthiness.”

So Goldihat sat down and reclined, and sat up and reclined, and raised the footrest and lowered the footrest until SPROING. Then she and her retinue processed to the bedroom.

“Bed tester, test this spot on the floor where a bed would be if Birdy Peer ever slept,” said Goldihat.

“This spot on the floor where a bed would be if Birdy Peer ever slept is too hard, your worthiness.”

“Bed tester, test this pile of leafy branches,” said Goldihat.

“This pile of leafy branches is too soft, your worthiness.”

“Bed tester, test this racing car bed,” said Goldihat.

“This racing car bed is just right, your worthiness.”

So Goldihat lay down on the bed, tucked her headgear under the pillow, and fell fast asleep (because there is no other way to fall asleep on a racing car bed).

Soon after, the Peers arrived home from their walk and went to finish their breakfast.

“Someone has been eating my porridge, which I stayed up all night preparing,” said the Birdy Peer.

“Someone has been eating my porridge, and the used the wrong spoon!” said the Shrubby Peer.

“Hungry!” said the Chivy Peer.

Then they went to the living room.

“Somebody has been sitting on the spot on the floor where a chair would be if I ever sat down,” said the Birdy Peer.

“Somebody has been getting their greasy fingers all over my elaborately hand carved chair piled high with intricately embroidered pillows,” said the Shrubby Peer.

“Broken!” said the Chivy Peer.

Then the Peers proceded to the bedroom.

“Somebody has been sleeping on the spot on the floor where a bed would be if I ever slept,” said the Birdy Peer.

“Somebody has been resting on my laurels,” said the Shrubby Peer.

“Woman!” said the Chivy Peer.

Just then, Goldihat awoke, sat up, and put on her headgear.

“Your worthiness!” said the Birdy Peer.

“Your worthiness!” said the Shrubby Peer.

“Shiny!” said the Chivy Peer.

So the Peers joined Goldihat’s retinue, and they went around invading houses all over the kingdom, and lived happily ever after.

The End

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